Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Everybody's Path Starts Somewhere...

(This image is something that my younger sister created for me. She works for the marketing department of the hospital that I refer to in my very first entry! I love her tons!)

New Year, New Me!

Happy 2010! I can already tell this is going to be a great year. I don't know exactly what it has in store, but it will be good!

So I have made some new year's resolutions. Normally, I am not a resolution maker but I felt that this year I should do it.

1. My first goal is to become more financially responsible. While I am an accountant, my personal finances have always suffered.I suck at balancing my own checkbook, heck let's be honest - I don't balance my checkbook!

2. No more self-neglect or self-doubt. I am my biggest critic and a lot of times I hold back because I have a fear of failing. My family has always had very clear expectations of where I need to go professionally...I have always been afraid that I wasn't capable of reaching those goals but now I need to think more positively! The sky is the limit!

3. I am going to only see myself in a positive light...no more dwelling on my "fat girl image" ... I am more than that.

4. 2010 is the year of my surgery. Come hell or high water I will do whatever it takes to achieve this goal. The surgery will not change who I am, it will just allow me to grow into who I am destined to become!

5. No more fast food --- who doesn't make resolutions like this, I had to throw it in there! :)

So, I think I have pretty much every aspect of my life covered. Like I said before I believe 2010 is going to be a great year...I can't wait to see what is in store!


**Oh, I almost forgot my #6 resolution - no more procrastination. How could I forget that one!?!?!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

March, 2010?

Hello, I hope that this post finds everyone in great spirits and thoroughly enjoying the holiday season!

Today I took a big step towards surgery - I called and made yet another appointment with my beloved psychologist.

Tell me what you all think:

I am an accountant, I thrive off of deadlines. Part of my extreme frustration with this whole process is that it there are no time lines in place. Meeting with the psychologist has been going smoothly - since last September. Ultimately what I want to know is when I can realistically plan on having surgery. I started this whole process back in April 2009; I never thought it would take so long to get approved. So when I go to my next appointment this is my plan... I am going to be completely honest with my doctor (like I have always been) and let her know that I want to be able to be ready for surgery by the end of March. I will do whatever it takes from now until March to prepare myself for surgery. March is a great time of year for me because I will be finishing up the yearend audit for the hospital and still just writing my thesis. It is wrong for me to approach the process like this? What do you guys think? I don’t want to put tons of pressure on the appointments with my doctor but I do want to see progress being made.

Any advice from more experiences WLSers?

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Time to get serious

Over the weekend I realized something…I am not ready to give up this fight.

As much as it hurts my pride to say this, my psychologist is right, I am not ready to have surgery. My lack of preparation is no one’s fault but my own; I haven’t been giving it my all. Surprisingly enough, I feel this is the case in most aspect of my life; I have so much going on that I am just struggling to stay afloat. I need to remember that while I may have a lot going on, God won’t give me any more than I can handle.

So the plan is this. From this moment I am committing myself - mind, body and soul, to preparing myself for surgery. I will complete food journals as needed and I will focus on making changes to my life that will prepare me for the changes that come with have surgery. With that said, I think I will also need to apply these same principles to other aspects of my life. My whole life, especially in school, I have never challenged myself. I have accepted being “average.” Well no more…I am not an average person, I am so much more than that.

Difference of Opinions

Wow, I can't believe it has been a month since my first entry. Sorry! My initial thought when starting this blog was to do this on a weekly basis but I have been busy getting ready for the Holidays, doing family stuff and trying to get my Master's thesis approved. Phew!

So here is an update:

Shortly after my last entry, I had a meeting with my psychologist. Now don't get me wrong I do find meeting with her beneficial; however, at this appointment I spoke with her about where we were currently standing and what the plan was. It was during this appointment that she informed me she didn’t realize that I was "serious" about surgery... Excuse me?! I can't believe she thought that. All I remember thinking was to myself was, "I am sorry but if I were not 100% committed to this process, I wouldn't be driving 2 hours every week to meet with you." I was in awe, when did we go in separate directions? The remaining time of that appointment was spent trying to find out where the disconnect was and what I needed to do in order to meet her criteria for surgery. After 1.5 hours, we finally figured out that there were two things she thought that I needed to focus on. 1.) Eating my meals at regularly scheduled times 2.) Work on self-value/self-neglect issues... Even though I get direction from her, I left that appointment in tears. All I want is for this surgery to take place so that I can focus on becoming the "new me." You could ask anyone in my life whether they thought I was ready for surgery and they would say yes. I believe part of the problem is that I started to see her far too late in the surgery preparation process. She has only seen the improvements that I have made since September, not the changes that have taken since April. Part of me feels that I screwed myself over when I choose to go this route. No one else going through this program has heard of her.

So regardless after that appointment I decided that I would spend the next 3 weeks going about life as usual and completing my food journals. At my next appointment, which happened 4 days ago, I brought in my food journals and acted as if I was fine. After 10 minutes she asked me "What's wrong? Why are you so upset?" Well, again we began discussing the fact that we have 2 different opinions of where I am standing in the approval process. She told me that she understood my frustration and she only wants the best for me. Really? I asked her flat out, "Do you know what it is like to be 300+ lbs? Do you know what it feels like to want to change your life but yet not understanding what you need to do to get there?" She said no but told me that she only wanted what was best for me. She just wants me to succeed.

So here is where I am at....

I am so frustrated that I question what I need to do. Do I really want to follow through with this psychologist…with this surgery? When I left my last appointment I told her to cancel all upcoming appointments because I needed to figure things out. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. My dilemma is that I am now coming to a time in my life where I don't know if I will literally have the time to have surgery. As an accountant, the first quarter of the year is crazy busy. Also, I am writing my thesis and trying to obtain my nursing home licensure - both have to be done by June. When would I seriously have time to have surgery? It pains me inside to think that I need to live my life like this, aka FAT, for another 6-8 months, but that seems to be the reality. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Thursday, November 12, 2009

My life is about to change and I don't know how I should feel about it...

I have lived my entire life as an overweight individual. I consider myself blessed since I have never been teased or scrutinized over my weight; my toughest critic has always been myself. Until 3 years ago, I never saw my weight as an issue. I lived a somewhat normal existence. I was a Snow Daze Queen in high school and went to both my proms. After high school I went on to college and even studied abroad. Back then, when I looked in the mirror I saw a normal sized person, not someone who actually weighed the equivalent of two! I often wonder when my viewpoint changed. I don't remember the exact moment when I looked in the mirror and saw a fat person but it happened...and now it is all that I see - it is all consuming.

It is so clear to me that my weight has gotten out of control. (That is the understatement of the year!) I often think that I am a disgusting individual, How could I have let my weight get to be this bad? Ugh... Over the past three years since the way I see myself changed, I have become extremely critical about how I present myself to others. I truly believe that me being overly critical about myself is a way of staying one step ahead of everyone; I guess I am hoping that I can hide all of my very obvious flaws from people.

So, it is now time to change - I can remember the exact moment when I made this decision. I was sitting in the doctor's office, exam room 40 to be exact. The purpose of the appointment had nothing to do with my weight. As I waited for my doctor, I remember thinking to myself about how many times I had disappointed myself by not being able to lose the extra weight. I once read an article while waiting in the doctor's office. It was about a women who had lost a lot of weight. The next time she went to her doctor's office for an appointment, everyone was in awe of her strength and determination. I wanted that to be me. I wanted people to see me for more then just the funny fat girl...I wanted people to see me as strong and determined...I wanted people to see me as gorgeous. It was at that moment I decided I was going to finally talk about weight-loss surgery with Dr. Sarah.

I remember Sarah walking in and I just started to cry. I don't think they were tears of sadness or despair but rather tears of relief. I knew at that moment when the door to exam room 40 opened, my life was going to be forever changed. I didn't waste any time. I told Sarah exactly what I was thinking, she just let me talk. When she finally was able to get a word in she told me that she had been waiting for the moment when I would talk to her about this. She said that she completely supported me but knew this was a decision that I had to make myself - that was the only way I would completely buy into it.

From that day, my life hasn't been the same. My life has been filled with so much hope, more than I thought was possible. I feel very lucky to have such a wonderful support system. I know that they will be there for me regardless.

So that is where my journey begins. I know that what I am about to undertake is not something that I can take lightly. I believe in my heart now is the time for me to change. I am excited to discover who I am as a healthy individual. I am also very scared. I have no reference point for what I will be like as a thinner person and to me, that is terrifying. What if I don't like who I am?

I guess at the end of the day all I really know is that where ever this journey takes me, it is not going to change who I am as a person. While I might look different on the outside, inside I will always be Meagan!

Until next time...Ciao...