Thursday, November 12, 2009

My life is about to change and I don't know how I should feel about it...

I have lived my entire life as an overweight individual. I consider myself blessed since I have never been teased or scrutinized over my weight; my toughest critic has always been myself. Until 3 years ago, I never saw my weight as an issue. I lived a somewhat normal existence. I was a Snow Daze Queen in high school and went to both my proms. After high school I went on to college and even studied abroad. Back then, when I looked in the mirror I saw a normal sized person, not someone who actually weighed the equivalent of two! I often wonder when my viewpoint changed. I don't remember the exact moment when I looked in the mirror and saw a fat person but it happened...and now it is all that I see - it is all consuming.

It is so clear to me that my weight has gotten out of control. (That is the understatement of the year!) I often think that I am a disgusting individual, How could I have let my weight get to be this bad? Ugh... Over the past three years since the way I see myself changed, I have become extremely critical about how I present myself to others. I truly believe that me being overly critical about myself is a way of staying one step ahead of everyone; I guess I am hoping that I can hide all of my very obvious flaws from people.

So, it is now time to change - I can remember the exact moment when I made this decision. I was sitting in the doctor's office, exam room 40 to be exact. The purpose of the appointment had nothing to do with my weight. As I waited for my doctor, I remember thinking to myself about how many times I had disappointed myself by not being able to lose the extra weight. I once read an article while waiting in the doctor's office. It was about a women who had lost a lot of weight. The next time she went to her doctor's office for an appointment, everyone was in awe of her strength and determination. I wanted that to be me. I wanted people to see me for more then just the funny fat girl...I wanted people to see me as strong and determined...I wanted people to see me as gorgeous. It was at that moment I decided I was going to finally talk about weight-loss surgery with Dr. Sarah.

I remember Sarah walking in and I just started to cry. I don't think they were tears of sadness or despair but rather tears of relief. I knew at that moment when the door to exam room 40 opened, my life was going to be forever changed. I didn't waste any time. I told Sarah exactly what I was thinking, she just let me talk. When she finally was able to get a word in she told me that she had been waiting for the moment when I would talk to her about this. She said that she completely supported me but knew this was a decision that I had to make myself - that was the only way I would completely buy into it.

From that day, my life hasn't been the same. My life has been filled with so much hope, more than I thought was possible. I feel very lucky to have such a wonderful support system. I know that they will be there for me regardless.

So that is where my journey begins. I know that what I am about to undertake is not something that I can take lightly. I believe in my heart now is the time for me to change. I am excited to discover who I am as a healthy individual. I am also very scared. I have no reference point for what I will be like as a thinner person and to me, that is terrifying. What if I don't like who I am?

I guess at the end of the day all I really know is that where ever this journey takes me, it is not going to change who I am as a person. While I might look different on the outside, inside I will always be Meagan!

Until next time...Ciao...